According to Dr Marty Klein America is experiencing a porn panic. This panic originated with the introduction of broadband Internet, which unleashed unlimited, free, high quality pornography on an American public that already felt ashamed and fascinated about sex. In his book His porn, Her pain Klein traces the history of this panic and states that the public have often had a strong reaction to disruptive technologies, giving many examples, such as, how “Congress criminalized the mailing of condoms and of condom advertising” in the mid 1800’s.
Klein believes the porn panic is part of a disturbing tradition of sexual moral panics that have gripped the American public. These include; the fear that children would be kidnapped, raped and murdered; attacks on gay people, accused of ruining heterosexual marriage; the destruction and censorship of music with sexual overtones and the fear of masturbation. Klein says these ideas now seem out-dated, but at the time they could be deadly, in the case of black men deemed a sexual threat to Southern American women.
One of the key ideas in this book is the important role of fantasy in our life. Klein claims that fantasy is a fun way we get to imagine and play with different sexual possibilities. He reminds us that we must not conflate fantasy with desire, because it is the belief that our fantasies will lead to action in real life that contributes to the moral panic about pornography. Klein believes this panic leaves us feeling ashamed of our sexual fantasies, which inhibits our ability to share our fantasy world with sexual partners, because we fear judgement.
As a result Klein says men often arrive for therapy feeling guilty, confused, frustrated and hopeless about what they perceive to be a problematic relationship with pornography. The first thing Klein does is find out if they actually have a porn problem and if so, what kind of problem. He helps narrow down the origin of the concern by breaking it into three parts. They are:
- Someone else says you have problem; and/or
- You’re concerned that you might have a problem; and/or
- You have an actual problem.
While there is considerable overlap in these three possibilities, they allow insight into whether the problem stems from an internal or external conflict. This knowledge directs the focus of psychotherapy, for example, if someone else believes you have a problem, first you need to get clear about how you feel about using pornography. Then you must communicate this to the other person. The external problem raises issues around interpersonal relating and challenges you to stay in connection with another, while also remaining faithful to your own position.
The internal problem demands investigation into the relationship you have with yourself. The feelings of fear, anxiety, shame and guilt associated with using pornography is a result of the rules and beliefs about sexuality that have evolved over your lifetime.
In both of these scenarios Klein takes a holistic view of the client, paying attention to other aspects of life, such as: their relationship to masturbation, as distinct from pornography; how they function overall in intimate relationship; their ability to engage in work and social life; the use of alcohol and drugs and their general relationship to the internet. Klein takes this approach because he believes that problems with pornography don’t in fact revolve around pornography. He justifies this by saying that often when pornography use stops the problem still persists, or manifests in a new form.
The overarching message in His porn, Her pain is that open and honest communication resolves perceived problems with pornography. If you are able to acknowledge and accept your fantasy world, you will feel less shame and anxiety. As a result you will be more spontaneous and present with yourself and your partner.